27, and still Lost

Honestly... I don't even know where to start.

A month ago, I turned 27. And I feel so lost.

Not the cute "haha I'm figuring it out" kind of lost. I mean fully lost. Like... I don't know what I'm doing, how to keep going, or what the hell I'm even supposed to be in this world. I fell like Im walking in circles, trying to find a path that doesn't exist.

I've tried so many Jobs. I went to college. I've done what you're supposed to do. And every time I burn out.

Like clockwork after a few months, I mentally shut down.

I feel completly useless. Like I’m not built for any job. Like I can't function in this world the way everyone else seems to.

And the thing is I don't even feel jealous of people who have it figured out. I don't envy people with perfect lives, or talent, or passion, I never have.

Actually I love when people talk about what they're good at. I get excited for them.

I think jealosey is one of the most ugliest things a person can carry. And I've seen how it poisons people. I never wanted to be like that.

But still I just sit with the question

What about me? What's my thing? What did God put in me?

And I know it sounds dramatic, but I really believe that those things are gifts from God. I don't think you just "choose" to be good at something. I think you are good at something because it's been put in you.

So then I look at myself... and I'm like what the hell did God put in me?

Because I don't feel like I have anything special. I feel like I'm just floating, trying things, failling at things, getting tired, giving up. And it makes me angry. Angry at life. Angry at God. Angry at whatever is out there watching me suffer and not answering.

But if I'm being honest, there is one thing I know about meyself.

I feel things Deeply.

I care. Maybe too much.

I'm the kind of person who sees someone on the street who looks sad and I go home and cry about them for hours. I don't even know them. But I feel it. Like it's mine.

And I've always wondered: What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

How do you build a life off of having a big heart?

How does that help me survive?

It feels like the world rewards people who know how to "do" But what if your whole life has been feeling?

I don't know. I still trying to figure out.

And I don't even know why I'm writing this or if anyone's going to read it. But I made this space because I needed somewhere to speak. Somewhere to just be real. Somewhere I could say

"I'm not okay. I'm lost. But I'm still here."

There's one more thing I need to say even if it sounds weird.

When I was around 10 years old, I was sitting on the bed watching a wedding scene on TV. I remember saying out loud, " I want to get married when I'm 18" My parents laughed like whatever that's cute.

But then the room felt weird. Still. Blurry. Like something just shifted. And I swear I didn't see the number but i felt it.

27

Not from the TV. Not in the scene. Just.. a number.

In my body. In the air.

It was like something whispered it to me. Or maybe it just a knowing. But it stuck with me. For years. I always held this strange feeling that 27 was going to be important.

Maybe it meant I'd find love. Or something that finally makes sense.

Now I'm here.

I turned 27 last month. And i lost my job. I lost my apartment. I had the biggest mental breakdown of my life. I was suicidal. I felt more alone than I've ever felt.

So maybe this number was wrong. Or maybe... this is the thing that was supposed to happpen.

Maybe 27 wasn't supposed to be the year everything becomes perfect.

Maybe it's the the year everything breaks, so I can finally become who I meant to be.

I don't know.

I just know I'm tired of pretending I'm fine when I'm actually dying inside.

I'm tired of trying to live up to a life that was never build for someone like me.

So if you found this post maybe by accident, maybe because God brought you here, just know

You're not the only one who's lost.

You're not the only one who cries for strangers.

You're not the only one who's tired of being strong.

And no matter how messy or confusing your story is right now.

It's not your fault.

This is your sing to stop hiding.

To start feeling.

To speak even if your voice shakes.

Because we don't have to be perfect.

We just have to be real.

If you're still here... Thank you for reading